Relationships are not ‘give and take’ | Acharya Prashant - Words into Silence
Every relationship that works has the the way of give and take. It takes an amount of give and take to have this. For the record MOnEY has no bearing on what. We all know that relationships are about giving and making compromises, but even if we try to do our best, we end up being ignored, not feeling satisfied or. Too often we give a partner what we need, not what the spouse wants. Healthy relationships are based on mutual caring. Whether it's.
And what is it about marriage that makes it highly desirable? We, The Marriage Foundation, say that marriage is a give and give relationship at its core, which sets it apart, and above, from all other relationships. Other relationships are shallow compared to marriage. This does not mean that all relationships are shallow, of course. When you live your marriage correctly, the benefits are indescribable. But the key is in how you live your marriage.
If you treat marriage like any other relationship, you will never get the great marital benefits that everyone assumes materializes all by themselves.
If you behave in a give-and-take mode, expecting good behaviors to get your spouse reciprocating, you will end up disappointed. Marriage does not operate upon the give-and-take principle of reciprocity.
Marriage requires you to operate with a higher intention instead of just trying to get as much from your spouse as possible. Many greatly misunderstood and misconceived when spouses repeated the same vows, they had made a deal.
No, they did not make a deal. They never made vows contingent on each other making the same vows.
Marriage Is A Give And Give Relationship
If you had done so, your marriage would be nothing more than a business deal, and, even if it lasted, it would be classified as a failed marriage. The greatest benefit of marriage is unconditional love, period. Both give and take can hence be positive and negative in intent and involve corresponding positive and negative emotions.
The equation of reciprocity The way we behave in balancing give and take is driven by the personal and social need for fairness. Relationships extend this to work through the force of reciprocitywhere there is a strong obligation to repay what you are given. If one person owes too much to the other, resentment and conflict may arise and the relationship may consequently fall apart. An exact balance is not always required as trust acts to make this a 'sloppy' system.
The greater the trust, the more negative the balance can become before concern about repayment arises. If I trust you then I will give a lot before I seek to take in return, confident that you will repay me at some time in the future. In each relationship there is a bucket system of 'social capital' where we make deposits and withdrawals from the bucket. The exact currency is difficult to define but could perhaps be approximated with the formula emotion x time.
- Give and Take
- Almost there
- Relationships are not ‘give and take’
If you spend two hours helping someone, and they spend an hour helping you, then, if the emotional exchange is equal, they still owe you an hour. Emotional complexity The problem in balancing the books of social exchange is that emotion is a complex variable. If you help me for an hour and I am very grateful, then I may feel a need to help you for three hours doing something in return.
Marriage Is A Give And Give Relationship
Gratitude is hence a powerful driving emotion in social exchange. When I help you, it is your gratitude that is the deposit in my account that motivates you to repay me, not just the fact that I helped you. Other emotions complicate the situation. For example if I help you and expect you to be grateful, then my feelings of expectation will give me the impression that I have earned a certain amount of social capital, and that my bucket is a little fuller as yours is a little emptier.
Yet if you are not that grateful, you will not think you owe me that much. In fact if you did not need or want my help then you may think you owe me nothing. And if you see my help as an intrusion or an attempted 'robbery' in forcing me to owe you in return then your feelings of resentment will tip the balance the other way as you believe I owe you some reparation for the wrong done.
In this way positive and negative emotions have opposite effects on the social capital bucket, and the stronger the emotion, the bigger the effect.
22 Best Give and Take Quotes and Sayings
If you hurt me in any way, then you owe me. If you help me then I owe you. Love and hate are enduring emotions that have a big effect on give and take. If I love you then I will give much. Even if you do little in return, I will feel good for having helped you and hence effectively reward myself with good feelings rather than expect things from you. The extreme form of this is unconditional love which, as the name suggests, expects nothing in return. Love can also complicate the bucket when it leads to lower expected reciprocity.
My expressions of love for you may make you feel that I expect little. This can cause resentment and anger that results in recriminations that erode the love, effectively 'killing the golden goose'. Hate is often based in the belief that the other person owes a great deal, which justifies attacks that take much from them.
When others refuse to repay what we believe they owe us then our emotions become negative and hence motivate harmful action. Just as unconditional love does not consider what is given, blind hate is not concerned with what is taken. Both can upset the bucket and confuse the social capital account, though each is likely to beget itself.
Love very largely creates love and hate mostly creates hate. Love results in much reciprocal giving while hate leads to battles of blow-by-blow taking. The wider effect While give and take is important in individual relationships, its broader power is in the creation of society. As relationships deepen and trust increases, we may take from one person and give to another. For example a person in a happy relationship will be kind to others, effectively sharing the social capital gained from their relationship partner.
This is helped by the fact that emotional exchange is often unconscious. When I help you, I may not realize the value I provide and so do not expect much in return.