Marriage & Relationship - Part 1 of 3 - Mufti Menk - New Muslim Tube
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The ones that failed are because of the lack of honesty, because of jealousy when it comes to matters of money. What will they think?! There is no perfect family.
And there is nothing wrong with either woman. I also found that in cultures and communities where this is an accepted practice, the family dynamics are stronger, the sense of community is strengthened, and bonds are formed that the rest of us take for granted.
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Naturally, in communities where this is not the case, some people practicing Polygyny have done so secretly i. I understand that we as women are possessive and jealous men are too, I know and it may seem that men are getting an easy ride here.The Husband-Wife Relationship - By Ahmad Sakr (Loving Muslim Family Series: Session 3)
So, I looked at what Islam said, and what history reflects. The concept of the modern day monogamous marriage came into being thanks to the Greeks and Romans. Prior to that polygamy was practiced by every culture, every tribe and community in all parts of the world.
Islam gave it rules and boundaries. In the Quran in the Chapter entitled the women An Nisa: But if you fear that you will not be just, then [marry only] one or those your right hand possesses. That is more suitable that you may not incline [to injustice]. He also says that when it comes to the emotion men can never be just. At the risk of sounding cheesy, I find that beautifully honest as much as I find beauty in the passage earlier on about finding tranquility with your other.
Islam gives men to protect their community and provide for them. That is not saying that women are unable to do so themselves, but we are not as strong physically, we are created for nurturing and caring. As much as we can get into the feminist debate, that is an absolute fact if we choose not to be mothers.
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There is wisdom in everything after all. There is also a time that has come or will come when men will be significantly outnumbered by women 50 to 1 is what I learnt from Islamic studies.
Boys apparently die earlier as infants, more men go to wars there are plenty of thosemore men are in prison than women and I am sure that there are a few other points that should be considered. Just talking to women around me and looking at all the research, it is clear that there is reduction of men that are: Yes, we can do things on our own but let us be honest, everyone wants someone.
Do they not deserve to give their kids a father that is worthy as a role model? I realise it is complicated and takes a lot of sacrifice, compromise and understanding and not everyone will be open to it. It is their prerogative. The pressure is on the husband. He needs to step up.
He needs to ensure that he is not shaming one and praising the other. He needs to be just to each and every child and each of the wives. Failure to do so means he has a lot of explaining to do to the man upstairs. The Islamic approach gives all wives honour, rights and neither one is more important than the other. It takes character and clear understanding of why a man wants to marry a second, third or fourth wife. Some have genuinely amazing intentions of taking care orphans and widows, some have needs that one wife is suited for again, this is not a deficiency with her and often has nothing to do with her at allsome have more love in their hearts and souls that they know what to do with.
Some do it for family. Irrespective, we cannot assume to know their intentions any more than we can assume to know the intentions of anyone else for any other purpose.
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I even found Mufti Menk talk about this topic which was rare! But he points out that we are moving in the direction where this will become more significant and common form of marriage. There are multiple discussions on why women doing their rounds on social media deciding who gets to make what choice, what men should be doing and who should have a say. One of the complaints is that men do not fulfill the duties of the one wife, how can he take another?
That is a very reasonable question! There are some other reasonable issues such as financial constraints.
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There are definitely those that exploit the multiple wives situation for their own agenda. There are those that use it for using and abusing women and discarding them as if they were dirt.
There are those that marry and create competition between the families. The psychological damage can be detrimental. These are the men that should not be involved with anyone at all. I also see so many platforms that slam women in particular for supporting this ideology.
The slamming of women who accept the role of a co-wife being bullied through social media is terrifying and unnecessarily nasty. I firmly believe that it is not for everyone, it is not something everyone can support for themselves, but they should let each person make their own choice and live by their own belief system.
We forget the nasty comments affect the kids involved too.
It is for the this reason I chose the instagram post from Umm Zakiyyah. It is profound to me. How easy it is to see and decide a negative association from the outside, while the inside may be more beautiful then we ever imagined.
It took me a long time to realise that this is who I am, that such a marriage would actually work for me rather than against me. It took a lot of self-reflection, self-assessment, as well as fact gathering and knowledge seeking to come to that conclusion. But the term "dating" still invites an offensive suggestion for many Muslims, especially older ones, irrespective of how innocent the relationship may be. Dating is still linked to its Western origins, which implies underlying expectations of sexual interactions — if not an outright premarital sexual relationship — which Islamic texts prohibit.
But Islam does not forbid love. Ismail Menk, a renowned Islamic scholar, argues in one of his lectures that love, within boundaries and with expectations of marriage, is an accepted fact of life and religion — if done the right way. This "right way," he says, is by involving the families from an early stage. Before the rise of a Western cultural influence, finding a spouse was a task almost solely assigned to parents or relatives.
But young Muslims have now taken it upon themselves to find their partners, relying on their own version of dating to do so. Older Muslims continue to reject dating because they worry that a Western world will also create Western expectations of premarital sex in these relationships. So the way that we label events or phenomena, such as dating, is definitely going to provide a certain perspective on what that means for us," he says.
Therefore, taking on the dating vernacular to describe their relationship and labeling their significant other as "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" does put some couples at risk of falling into the physical expectations that come with dating, Hodges says. But, he adds, these fears can be allayed because "the most important connotation that is borrowed is the ability to choose your own mate," which is also the main precept of dating in the West. One way that some young Muslim couples are rebutting the idea of dating being offensive is by terming it "halal dating.
By adding the permissibility factor, some young couples argue, they are removing the idea that anything haram, or prohibited, such as premarital sex, is happening in the relationship.
On the other hand, some young couples believe there should be no stigma attached to dating and, therefore, reject the idea of calling it halal. Khalil Jessa, founder of Salaam Swipe, a dating app that caters to young Muslims, also believes that the negative associations attached to dating depend on the particular society.
When they take the word dating, they're adding this connotation to it, and I don't think that's necessarily the case. It's up to each individual and each couple to choose how they wish to interact with one another," Jessa argues. Getting to know someone and making the informed decision to marry them is not an alien concept in Islamic societies. Abdullah Al-Arian, a history professor at Georgetown University School of Foreign Service in Qatar, says that the idea of courtship has been present in Muslim societies for centuries but was subdued in colonial times.
When the British and the rest of Europe colonized much of the world, they also placed social restrictions on sexual interactions between unmarried couples, Arian says. These social restrictions also took hold in certain Islamic societies, with religious restrictions on sex leading some to go as far as segregating the genders as much as possible, including in schools, universities and even at social gatherings.
These practices began to disintegrate as women started entering the workforce, demanding their rights for universal education and pursuing higher education, Arian says. Segregating because of religious dogma became harder. And so, as the genders mixed, dating relationships also took root in some societies.
This, he says, further facilitated the imitation of Western relationships. Changing ideas about modernity, widespread urbanization and the West's cultural hegemony influenced something as intimate and personal as relationships, Arian says.
But the most influential factor is globalization. These "shared experiences," as he calls them, have given birth to third-culture kids. These multicultural generations are growing up with a "very different moral compass that is rooted in a number of influences; and not just the local, but the global as well," Arian says. Before social media and the prevalence of pop culture, it was a lot easier to enforce whatever ideologies you wanted your child to follow.
But as globalization increased, this changed. Young people became increasingly exposed to the rest of the world. Today, their ideologies and values no longer find a basis in what their priest or imam preaches but in what social media and pop culture influencers might be saying and doing.